I had fun teasing Brian for believing that Lisa and I might try to take over the world. As I was trying to think of more ways to mess with him, I realized that the best possible torture would be if I actually took over the world!

Five of the awesome things I could do if I took over the world:

1. Make my justice list into law.
2. Get my face on all the money.
3. End daylight saving time.
4. Start a 24-hour Xena channel.
5. Order the creation of new Xena episodes.

It would be GLORIOUS!

So, how do you take over the world?

Everyone is talking about resolutions lately. I think that I should be taking a firmer hand around here, so I’ve made a list of what some other people’s resolutions should be:

Trish: Stop working so much and come home more. If you have to be out late, at least be out having fun.

Lisa: Let your inner bad girl out to play once in a while. We’re sisters—you must have one in there somewhere.

Joe: You work a little too much, too. You haven’t really bugged me yet, so just keep making Trish happy and we’ll be cool.

Alex: Stop being such a freak and just deal with real life. It won’t bite you—and if it does, just bite back.

Brian: Get out of your head and into the world more. If you can get out during Xena, that would rock.

There you go, that’s my new world order for 2005. If people listened to me, the world would be a better place.

I think daylight saving time is stupid, here’s why:

1. You have to spend ages changing all of the clocks, but you never get them all, so you keep finding odd ones over the next few days.

2. It gives you jet lag without leaving the house. The next several days can be confusing in terms of when to wake up, when to go to bed, and what time your favorite shows are on.

3. Brian told me that it doesn’t even do what it’s supposed to do, which is save money on energy costs. That means that this whole thing is as pointless as tilting at windmills.

Arizona is too smart to fall for daylight saving time, so I tried to convince Trish and Joe to move there, but they weren’t having it, even though some really nice people live there.

I’m going to start a movement in this house. I’m going to ignore daylight saving time just like Arizona does. I will lead by example and show them the folly of their ways.

I wonder how Xena would handle this . . .

Alex is sooo weird. Lisa and I walked in on him having one of his superhero fantasies again. What is wrong with that guy?

He has this sad little cape he made out of an old towel, and he wears it with a pair of red shorts. Then he climbs up on top of something and pretends he’s flying around and rescuing action figures.

This guy is so scared of cats and dogs that he hates going outside without a human—but he pretends to rescue everyone else. I just don’t get that.

I do know why he calls himself “SuperAlex” (the lamest superhero name ever). He’s a huge Superman fan. Don’t even try talking when Smallville is on. It’s so pathetic.

I don’t get the appeal of “boy scout” superheroes. Boooring. I like dark heroes, like Xena, Wolverine, and the Punisher. They’re not gonna just wag a finger and scold you, they will MESS YOU UP.

If I didn’t think it was so lame, I’d walk around the house pretending to be a dark hero. I would rule this house with an iron fist, and they would all be better off for it.

Oh, yeah. I would kick ass.

This poker tournament isn’t going as well as I thought it would. I’m doing okay, but Brian and Lisa are soooo good! Alex isn’t such a pushover either—he pulls off a pretty good hand once in a while.

I’m bluffing okay. I know my card combinations. I’ve got a fair shot, but I’m not strong enough to beat everyone at the table.

I may not come out of this with the change jar. These guys have all been playing poker longer than I have. Why did I think I could win my first tournament? That’s like a novice fighter trying to win against Xena.

I’ve got a new plan: Don’t be last. If I can’t beat them all and take the change jar, I’ll do everything I can to make winning a challenge for them—and I won’t come in last place.

Someday, when I’ve had the chance to practice a lot more, I’ll conquer them in another tournament…and victory will be mine!

Q: My roommate is a pest when we have company. When my friends and I are watching a movie, she interrupts three or four times to ask if we want to play cards or Scrabble or whatever. We keep telling her that we’re never going to stop a movie in the middle to go play games, but she won’t knock it off. What would you do?

A: I would tell her that I want to play a game called “Xena vs. the Fool” and she’s the fool.

Q: My roommate is a slob who leaves his shoes, jackets, and other junk all over the house. It drives me nuts to dodge his stuff all the time. What would you do?

A: If I couldn’t just ignore it, I’d make a pile of all his stuff. However, there’s no guarantee that I’d tell him where the spot is or that I’d use the same spot two days in a row.

If I’m going to pick up after someone else, I might as well have fun with it.

* Send your question to Jane--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

It’s been six months, so I thought it would be a good time to check in on the resolutions I made for everyone this year:

Trish: Stop working so much and come home more. If you have to be out late, at least be out having fun.

Lisa: Let your inner bad girl out to play once in a while. We’re sisters—you must have one in there somewhere.

Joe: You work a little too much, too. You haven’t really bugged me yet, so just keep making Trish happy and we’ll be cool.

Alex: Stop being such a freak and just deal with real life. It won’t bite you—and if it does, just bite back.

Brian: Get out of your head and into the world more. If you can get out during Xena, that would rock.

Trish and Joe are doing okay on working less. I haven’t seen any changes from Lisa, Alex, or Brian, though. I wish they’d listen to me. Everyone would be better off.

It would be sooo cool to see Lisa bust loose. She’s got potential as a bad girl—I just know it. And Alex and Brian would bug me a lot less if they dealt with things the way I told them to. Why don’t people listen to me?!

Well, we’re only half-way through the year. There’s still time for everyone to straighten up and fly right.

I played my first poker game against Alex and Brian and it was a total nightmare! What’s up with that? It seemed easy when I was playing against the computer. I’ll never win the change jar unless I can figure out how to beat those guys.

Technically, I did win one hand, but it wasn’t the big deal that I thought it would be. After getting stuck with a bunch of rotten cards, I finally got a hand to be reckoned with and those jerks folded! All I got for my trouble was a couple of pennies. It’s totally unfair.

I refuse to believe that there is anything is this world that Alex can do and I can’t. I can handle Brian being a little better than me at some things, because he’s pretty smart. Not Alex, though. He’s a freak. He is not better than me. I cannot keep losing like that.

I have got to figure out a way to win at this game. What would Xena do? She’d probably be all cool and scary and everyone would just hand over their money so they wouldn’t get hurt.

I want to win, but it’s not worth getting grounded for “unnecessary roughness” again. I need a plan.

Q: My stepbrother hit me with a ball, tried to pretend it was part of a game called “tag dodgeball,” and then ran away to hide. What should I have done?

A: That’s an excellent--and timely--question. I believe that whether you’ve done right or wrong--you should own it. Xena taught me that.

If I hit someone with a ball, it’s almost always on purpose--because I have great aim--and I’m straight up about why I did it (“That’s for taping over my favorite show!”). If I did hit someone by accident, I would never, ever wimp out by pretending, hiding, or anything like that.

People who can’t own up to their actions have gone wrong and need to get back on track. I think Alex is a freak for wearing a cape and calling himself “SuperAlex,” but at least he owns it--I’ll give him that much.

I’m the sort of person who needs things to be even. If someone does something to me and I haven’t gotten them back yet, it eats away at me. If that sounds like you, you need to take some kind of action that helps you feel like things are even between you and your stepbrother. Then you can go back to doing fun stuff.

Q: I hit my stepsister with a ball, tried to pretend it was part of a game called “tag dodgeball,” and then ran away to hide. When she got back at me, it really hurt. Where did I go wrong?

A: Pretending and running away. See above.

* Send your question to Jane--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

This time last year, I made my new world order for 2005:

Trish: Stop working so much and come home more. If you have to be out late, at least be out having fun.

Lisa: Let your inner bad girl out to play once in a while. We’re sisters—you must have one in there somewhere.

Joe: You work a little too much, too. You haven’t really bugged me yet, so just keep making Trish happy and we’ll be cool.

Alex: Stop being such a freak and just deal with real life. It won’t bite you—and if it does, just bite back.

Brian: Get out of your head and into the world more. If you can get out during Xena, that would rock.

Trish and Joe did a good job on working less. Lisa kicked everyone’s butt at poker, which was a pretty bad girl thing to do. Alex and Brian are just useless, though. I don’t know what to do with them. Their Christmas with Khan play was beyond my help. What is wrong with them? Can action figures get brain damage?

For 2006, I’m going to take a break from telling my family what to do and focus on the bigger picture. I wrote my first advice column in November and my second column in December. I’m really digging that. I don’t need to waste any more of my time trying to fix Alex and Brian. In 2006, I’m all about helping people who want to be helped. That’s where the real action is.

You need to get in touch with me about where you’re going wrong with your life so that I can straighten you out. Fill out the advice form and I’ll get you back on track.

I’m tired of complaining about how dumb some advice columns are, so I decided to start my own. These are some questions I found in other advice columns, with my answers instead of those wimpy ones:

Q: I’ve been happily married to a wonderful man for over 20 years. A few weeks ago, an anonymous woman called and said my husband was cheating. My husband says he’s been faithful and I have no other reason to doubt him. I’m having a lot of trouble getting over this. My husband is willing to go to counseling or do anything else I need. What should I do?

A: Everybody on the planet should get Caller ID and set it to reject unidentified calls. Life is too short to interrupt your Xena marathon for a telemarketer.

If you can’t find out who did this, you need another way to deal:

1. Draw a picture of this woman. You’re making it up, so go for something really repulsive.
2. Attach the picture to a punching bag or something like that.
3. Attack the picture mercilessly until it’s destroyed. Feel free to use weapons.
4. Repeat until you feel better.

Q: My brother, sister, and I have a problem. When we disagree with our other sister, she takes revenge on us. When I said she was wrong to start a fight, “someone” called Child Protective Services on me. When my other sister disagreed with her, "someone" smashed her car windows. When my brother said something she didn't like, “something” killed all his birds (the day after she was there). We also get crank calls and she drives past our homes a lot.

She has bragged to other family members about doing these things. When we told our parents, they said it was all just coincidences.

This sister needs surgery and our parents want us to be supportive. We don’t want anything more to do with her. I told my children to call the police if she comes to our house again. What else can we do?

A: You’re not just taking what she’s dishing out, which is good, but you need to go a little further. Your sister is a nutjob and your parents have betrayed you by ignoring the fact that she’s a nutjob. (She admitted to someone that she killed those birds and your folks still won’t listen?!)

Why are you guys still talking to her? Why was she in your brother’s house? You would avoid a stranger who did these things. Why do you think you have to take it just because you have the same parents? All three of you need to push this nutjob as far away as you can and don’t let her near any of you any more. Get Caller ID, change your phone numbers, change your locks, maybe even move. She killed an animal to get back at someone. That’s Fatal Attraction stuff.

Your parents are a problem, because they could give the nutjob your new contact information. I suggest a pact where the three of you cut off contact with your parents for one year. (You can tell them why.) After a year, get in touch and see if they’ve wised up yet. If they have, you can work something out. If they haven’t, avoid them for another year. If they think this nutjob is so great, they can have her all to themselves.

* If you want advice from Jane (or any of the other action figures), please fill out our advice form.