It’s been six months, so I thought it would be a good time to check in on the resolutions I made for everyone this year:

Trish: Stop working so much and come home more. If you have to be out late, at least be out having fun.

Lisa: Let your inner bad girl out to play once in a while. We’re sisters—you must have one in there somewhere.

Joe: You work a little too much, too. You haven’t really bugged me yet, so just keep making Trish happy and we’ll be cool.

Alex: Stop being such a freak and just deal with real life. It won’t bite you—and if it does, just bite back.

Brian: Get out of your head and into the world more. If you can get out during Xena, that would rock.

Trish and Joe are doing okay on working less. I haven’t seen any changes from Lisa, Alex, or Brian, though. I wish they’d listen to me. Everyone would be better off.

It would be sooo cool to see Lisa bust loose. She’s got potential as a bad girl—I just know it. And Alex and Brian would bug me a lot less if they dealt with things the way I told them to. Why don’t people listen to me?!

Well, we’re only half-way through the year. There’s still time for everyone to straighten up and fly right.

I played my first poker game against Alex and Brian and it was a total nightmare! What’s up with that? It seemed easy when I was playing against the computer. I’ll never win the change jar unless I can figure out how to beat those guys.

Technically, I did win one hand, but it wasn’t the big deal that I thought it would be. After getting stuck with a bunch of rotten cards, I finally got a hand to be reckoned with and those jerks folded! All I got for my trouble was a couple of pennies. It’s totally unfair.

I refuse to believe that there is anything is this world that Alex can do and I can’t. I can handle Brian being a little better than me at some things, because he’s pretty smart. Not Alex, though. He’s a freak. He is not better than me. I cannot keep losing like that.

I have got to figure out a way to win at this game. What would Xena do? She’d probably be all cool and scary and everyone would just hand over their money so they wouldn’t get hurt.

I want to win, but it’s not worth getting grounded for “unnecessary roughness” again. I need a plan.

Q: I know that you are concerned about raccoons, but isn't there just as much danger, if not more, from neighborhood dogs? (Especially the yappy little ones that just have a generally bad attitude.) Also, what about squirrels?

A: Reasons why raccoons are MUCH scarier than dogs:

(1) Raccoons have thumbs, so they can open garbage cans, doors, and all kinds of other things that dogs can’t.
(2) Raccoons are nocturnal, so they’re most likely to sneak up on you when you’re sleeping.
(3) Raccoons have resisted domestication, so they’re much tougher than dogs.
(4) Urban raccoons have been getting bolder and more dangerous, even going so far as to attack cats and dogs.

Squirrels freak me out when I’m outside, but no one I know has had issues with them invading the house. I’ve heard lots of stuff about raccoons coming in through pet doors and terrorizing families and pets.

Honestly, I don’t know why everyone isn’t building raccoon-proof panic rooms right now. Wake up and fear the raccoons, people!

* Send your question to Alex--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

So, we’ve been doing this Hanukah thing with Joe. (We’re not getting presents until Christmas though, which is a total rip-off.) Every night, Joe lights the candles, says the prayers, and talks with us about his family and being Jewish and all that.

Man, I never knew that Hanukah was about rebellion! In ancient times, the Greeks ran the government and tried to outlaw the Jewish religion, but the Jews stood up to the man and won. That’s cool.

I also didn’t know that Joe’s dad was born in Czechoslovakia. His family was a pretty big deal over there—they owned a vineyard, a bank, and ritzy houses. Joe’s grandparents and their kids left everything behind when Hitler invaded. They caught the last boat out. A bunch of their relatives didn’t make it.

This wasn’t the first time I heard about Hitler, but it was the first time I heard someone I know talk about what that nutjob did to their relatives. Here’s what really confuses me about the whole Hitler thing. Hitler hated the Jews. But, how do you decide that you hate strangers? I don’t get that.

I spent some time with Alex before I decided he was a freak—it’s based on his freakish behavior. But, I didn’t decide that all male action figures were freaks or anything like that. Lots of people bug me, but that doesn’t mean that anyone who looks like them bugs me. I’d have to meet them first.

Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that human history doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t understand why a lot of the stuff on the news happens either.

Ugh—too many deep thoughts. I wonder where Tricia hid the Christmas presents…

This time last year, I made my new world order for 2005:

Trish: Stop working so much and come home more. If you have to be out late, at least be out having fun.

Lisa: Let your inner bad girl out to play once in a while. We’re sisters—you must have one in there somewhere.

Joe: You work a little too much, too. You haven’t really bugged me yet, so just keep making Trish happy and we’ll be cool.

Alex: Stop being such a freak and just deal with real life. It won’t bite you—and if it does, just bite back.

Brian: Get out of your head and into the world more. If you can get out during Xena, that would rock.

Trish and Joe did a good job on working less. Lisa kicked everyone’s butt at poker, which was a pretty bad girl thing to do. Alex and Brian are just useless, though. I don’t know what to do with them. Their Christmas with Khan play was beyond my help. What is wrong with them? Can action figures get brain damage?

For 2006, I’m going to take a break from telling my family what to do and focus on the bigger picture. I wrote my first advice column in November and my second column in December. I’m really digging that. I don’t need to waste any more of my time trying to fix Alex and Brian. In 2006, I’m all about helping people who want to be helped. That’s where the real action is.

You need to get in touch with me about where you’re going wrong with your life so that I can straighten you out. Fill out the advice form and I’ll get you back on track.